Motivation and merits

Let us talk clear. I know that when I do something, I do it great. But just when I really wanna do it, and I feel motivated about it.

So, the problem stays at motivation. And that is not something that you can get from someone, or from something. The most cases, it's comes from yourself.

So let's find out why I do feel unmotivated for everything, even for most things I love.

I think, that even if I'm optimistic most of the time, somehow, I have this feeling, that as much as I do, it would never be enough. It feels, like nothing is worth, because somehow, everything would go to hell.

I feel that it would not make a big difference. That my life is not gonna change that much, and that It doesn't matter what I try, I will never be happy.

Because I need to start to apreciate what I already did, to be able to apreciate what I could get if I work for it. Somehow I feel that I'm not able to get what I want.

I guess, this is just the next step after realising that after this year, I'm not the person I wanted to be. I really don't know which kind of person I wanted to be, and racionaly I know that I'm much better that one year ago, but I really need to think about the past, about how I was, and about how I am. To see the difference, will let me see how much far I can still go.

One year ago, I was not able to write this good in English. That's a good beginning. But I was also not able to be happy when I was alone at home. I was not able to realise that I'm exactly a great person, a good person, a great chick. A pretty one!

I was not able to enjoy my own time alone at home. I was feeling miserable, alone, abandoned. I was angry with my mother. I hated her. I was not able to have a normal relation with her. I missed my mum but I was not able to enjoy her company.

I missed my sister but I was not able to have the control of the situation. I tried my best, but during this time, I learnt that everyone needs to find his way, and that's why I let my sister to find her one. And I did. But I was also there for her when she needed me (and I still am, and I'll always be, because I love her).

I missed my father, I wanted to have also a nice relation dad-doughter with him, but I was angry also with him. Ok, it took me one year to forgive him, but I DID. And now, everything is fine, eveything is normal. Now, I enjoy my family.

I learnt how to take care of myself, and I did. My problem, is that I need to compare myself with other people to see that I did it better. I cannot just apreciate my own merits. My problem, is that my circunstances are not “the others' circunstances” but I don't care of it. And of course, they don't have the problems I had on life, so what for them is normal or easy to do, maybe for my is damm difficult.

It's really difficult to understand yourself when no one around understands you. You feel diferent, and you never will know if that's good or bad.

So, I guess the point is to understand myself without expecting people to understand me. And exactly, that kind of work is half done, because If there was something one year ago that I wanted more than anything, was to be accepted, to be understood, to feel good with myself through the people.

Somehow I learnt that I should not try to be accepted. Now I need to learn to feel fine not being understood, and of course, the most difficult, not to need the people (friends and family) to understand myself, love myself, appreciate myself.

I need to realise of my value. I had the worst life and I did the best could no one ever do. I worked in so many jobs, I did so many different things. I have been protecting my sister all her life, with pretty good results. I protected myself and her. I protected my mother, my father. I cared of everyone around me. I was there when someone needed me.

But I would have loved to be protected, to be cared, to have some who would be there always if I need him.

That's why I always had boyfriend, and I always was needing him. Because I just wanted to be protected by someone. Just once, please.

I learnt alone and my self about life, family, friendships and work. Study, psicology, sports. About routine, all I know I learnt it alone.

I know about a lot of sports, I know about sex. I know about people, more that they know about theirselves. I know about love, loyalty, respect, selfconfidence, expectations, suffering, empathy, comprehension. I know about children, how to help them, to educate them, how to teach them. I have been all my life teaching people how to live.

I know about giving, giving everything to the other. Being nice more than she/he would ever deserve. Giving everything and knowing that you will never get back even 40% of what you have given. And doing it anyway. Because that's how who you are, a nice person, a really nice one, who is always up to help someone with anything you're able to do it.

I know about music, religion, and computers. I was just interested, and I tried to learn about everything I was interested on. First learn, then decide.

If you see my CV, it's exactly nothing special. But you can also see a bit part of what I am, if u know where to look. But if u really wanna know it, you are gonna need to try harder than that.

So no motivation, because I don't accept my merits.

I don't accept my merits because I need other people to understand me and appreciate all my merits.

I will not need them soon, but right now, at least I know that I do have merits. I don't give them enough importance, but I just need time.

And, when I will give them the importance they have, I will believe again on being myself and doing the best I can, but this time, for my self.

Good night my lovely readers